Problems

I went out today.  I dunno..what started it?

My mom left the car while I was on the phone.  She came back in a change of spirit, already at a testy spot.

So, she suggested something supposedly Ellen DeGeneres suggested, that my life be turned inside out of what I liked, like some joke, and applying it to my mom's Indonesian family.  I said some things that were unprepared cuz I can't think cuza her.  It's like Dory in Finding Nemo, but I found a point at the end.

She got me in a bad mood.  I said why did you ask me that?  That's not appropriate.  You'd know the answer.  Something along that line.

So, I was upset cuz it was so inappropriate.  Then, she actually, which was not very much noted, using force on me so I can't feel comfortable being white around her anymore.  I ran into people.  I just wanted to be considered white, but they all were being mean acting like I was the N word..

All I did was clear my throat when I saw.. 2 ladies shake their heads no at me like right away.

What was your problem?  Some people looked at me meanly like I wasn't white so I looked at them and they didn't care.  Of course, my expression was sour to that!

Even some kids, tho.

What else?

I interjected people messing around that seemed to bother my mom and thought I helped her.

I'm really sorry about this, but I was set up and kinda did it in pieces.

Oh yes, people looked at me like I wasn't white and it was so funny so I acted like I said they weren't just in retaliation to prove a point, which was obvious.

It felt funny people started being nice to me when I cooled off.

What's wrong with this picture?  It seems like I need to seek help, but I already have a therapist and she denies these claims.

Can anyone help me for what might be around the corner to trick me and make me look worse than it is?  And what was the part that was wrong I did?  It's a free country.  I didn't do anything illegal, neither.  I know, you think it'd escalate.  I wish I didn't do it, tho.  I didn't know how to defend myself and protect my well-being.  What should happen to me if no one ever offers advice?  That's like not teaching a toddler to read.  I'm not afraid, but I didn't know what to do.  Some of it felt like I lost it.  I never attacked anyone, I think/hope, just defended myself and my right to say I'm white and tell others what's what in how I live.  You know, I said it was a lotta pressure to be good.  My mom asked me something weird on the way, too, and was in on this before.  I told her what I meant and stuff.

You know, my dad was sending me messages about my possible future kids and not caring about them because of this.  It seemed like a hidden message, but he was brought to doing that.  I seem to be in question.

This is terrible!  I was pushed to do this when I said I was under pressure and wanted to let be and maybe unwind.  This stuff didn't happen before in public.  In the home, I suffered homework too late.  They are trying to say tough and take from things.  Life goes on.

I have no clue what could come up.  I think Ellen DeGeneres is upset at me that I feel wronged by her and that she gets things that others deserve, too.  It's not nice to say, but I don't mean it in a wrong way..  I mean, maybe she does stand out, but she was under the radar as far as fame goes and got a big following.  Funny not many people like that out there famous.  What's it worth if there's no safety net?  Lotta kids don't wanna be famous for similar reasons.  I dunno, it's too bad.  I came to question it.  Maybe, it's about work.  I feel I just get called "Viet" (or probably actually said differently) too much and looked down upon for some reason by desperate white boys etc.  So, I'm not "some weird Asian bad talking Ellen."  I just mean that she is upset and that she is in an interesting situation I may discuss on my blog when I get it together.  I feel she is pursuing me for that.  I'm not complaining tho on what she gets as far as her getting it.  It may not be the best she could but oh well then.  I said it was weird.

Even if it's okay, it makes people feel uncomfortable.  You know, my grandma feels so uncomfortable that she's consistently harsh on me with something every time, even when my dad went alone to see her.

I mean, yea, no one has the right to dump me off as not white cuz they know I'm not perfect.  I don't mean to look out of place, but things should be set right.  I learned to ignore them and flip them off in my own way!  That's evil and selfish.  So, I cleared my throat, looked at people sternly as I could (something messed up my face at my mouth.)  I retaliated the feeling of being told you're not white.  What did I do then that should be the main reason I'm in trouble?  I need to know so I can fix it.  Maybe, it's just the shape of events to some, trying to look cool.  I'm very sorry under the experiment, too.  I don't really approve of being punished, but still it's not good what I did.  I just felt so attacked.  I didn't realize until writing this that my mom pushing me not to be as white probably set me off, as it happened just as we arrived.  I can almost see it now.

Also, people are wary they have to keep saying I'll ^lose my eyesight^ for not calling my majestic grandma cuz she seemed upset with me and I forgot, always being mad on here.

It seems there's more to learn from this.  I guess it was wrong in Point A to just lose it and do something I shouldn't.  I wasn't in place to run away.  I dunno why it mattered so much to prove to those people I'm white, too.  I can go home and complain later.  I dunno about that.  I didn't grow up on the computer.  I felt racism just sitting there reading the stuff.  No one needs to care and so don't.

This is bound to come up again.  I am worried I am being surprised on purpose.  I know with a clean room things should improve.  I'm getting organizational furniture.

I hope people I know are okay and stuff..  What about my relatives like my grandma feeling uncomfortable cuz they are related to me and people can tell something's not right?

I feel in it to lose.  Where's the reward?  When will the pressure end?  Is the reward my furniture?  It's too late.  Better late than never.

I might take psychology online, 1 course at a time.  I wanna experiment on art with people and animals etc.  I know music and art.  I meanwhile try to make it as a singer, and colleges have opera and musical theater and the like and that's not what I'm after.  I do like traditional music.

This is so sad for anyone involved in me.

It's about trying now and I can't identify something specific other than that maybe I'm just doing what other people do.  It's just then try again.  No one cares if I lose.  I don't get to prepare.  Something's weird.  I've been pretty nice, tho.  I feel hurt when insulted about the more recent past.  I get in trouble for my thoughts and things, too.  Maybe, I can try to improve as usual.  I just feel in it to lose out more than others.  In the end, where will I be?  Is there some superstition that you have to be bad to me to test me out?  It might be my parents caring about racism and not telling me anything.  That got me in trouble little, I think, and they are bringing up age 2 now.

Am I going in circles, yet?  Well, sorry I have these problems.  I can try to be good, but things like my thoughts get manipulated and I get agitated about that.  I think people put the bad thoughts there cuz I didn't mean them.  They just came to light.

I know not to look at people like that etc.  It's just like that they looked at me inappropriately and I don't mean to be vicious.  That's a spur of the moment.  I did learn to avoid it and just let them wallow in it.

Okay, so hope this will turn out well, I find some way to prepare, and that my morals don't all get eaten into oblivion.

Thanks for your understanding and so sorry this stuff happens/happened.

Oh, punishment.  I need to learn to like things that are important, like technology in the past 20 years.  I need to see other people get attention they deserve and need.  I can learn something rather than coming out of a box.  What else..  Maybe, things will be taken and I won't be happy to let other things in.  Maybe, some of what may be asked of makes no sense, and maybe some of it can.  I feel some people think everything is punishable with like wiping everything out.  No, no, no.  Go ahead, make movies that show ideal manners cuz I don't see'em.  People don't know others have certain problems they don't because of luck or something.

I just remembered, I felt hurt and almost cried or sorta did like at one peak instance, the way my mom drove like I was too close to someone.  It seemed inappropriate to bring up.  I didn't like things like that in general I think.  Not sure what else became of that other than my wanting it to stop.  It was undignifying.  I could, like with other things, see reasons, but it just didn't sink in.  Too bad.

Not sure what to mention all, but my apologies..

I should maybe stop and go to bed soon.

So, .. hope things are going good for others.  Hope I can be appropriate to others's desires.  I may not be perfect, and it's horrifying when anything happens like this.  I just hope it can stop.

Oh, I must accept if I am socially inept for some as punishment.  I need to work on my life and hopefully my life will be a success as an individual.  Concerning others, that's partially luck.  They are called company and mates.  xp  At this point, I'm getting tired.  Gotta wish the IMDb Soapbox a happy new year.