Problems

I went out today.  I dunno..what started it?

My mom left the car while I was on the phone.  She came back in a change of spirit, already at a testy spot.

So, she suggested something supposedly Ellen DeGeneres suggested, that my life be turned inside out of what I liked, like some joke, and applying it to my mom's Indonesian family.  I said some things that were unprepared cuz I can't think cuza her.  It's like Dory in Finding Nemo, but I found a point at the end.

She got me in a bad mood.  I said why did you ask me that?  That's not appropriate.  You'd know the answer.  Something along that line.

So, I was upset cuz it was so inappropriate.  Then, she actually, which was not very much noted, using force on me so I can't feel comfortable being white around her anymore.  I ran into people.  I just wanted to be considered white, but they all were being mean acting like I was the N word..

All I did was clear my throat when I saw.. 2 ladies shake their heads no at me like right away.

What was your problem?  Some people looked at me meanly like I wasn't white so I looked at them and they didn't care.  Of course, my expression was sour to that!

Even some kids, tho.

What else?

I interjected people messing around that seemed to bother my mom and thought I helped her.

I'm really sorry about this, but I was set up and kinda did it in pieces.

Oh yes, people looked at me like I wasn't white and it was so funny so I acted like I said they weren't just in retaliation to prove a point, which was obvious.

It felt funny people started being nice to me when I cooled off.

What's wrong with this picture?  It seems like I need to seek help, but I already have a therapist and she denies these claims.

Can anyone help me for what might be around the corner to trick me and make me look worse than it is?  And what was the part that was wrong I did?  It's a free country.  I didn't do anything illegal, neither.  I know, you think it'd escalate.  I wish I didn't do it, tho.  I didn't know how to defend myself and protect my well-being.  What should happen to me if no one ever offers advice?  That's like not teaching a toddler to read.  I'm not afraid, but I didn't know what to do.  Some of it felt like I lost it.  I never attacked anyone, I think/hope, just defended myself and my right to say I'm white and tell others what's what in how I live.  You know, I said it was a lotta pressure to be good.  My mom asked me something weird on the way, too, and was in on this before.  I told her what I meant and stuff.

You know, my dad was sending me messages about my possible future kids and not caring about them because of this.  It seemed like a hidden message, but he was brought to doing that.  I seem to be in question.

This is terrible!  I was pushed to do this when I said I was under pressure and wanted to let be and maybe unwind.  This stuff didn't happen before in public.  In the home, I suffered homework too late.  They are trying to say tough and take from things.  Life goes on.

I have no clue what could come up.  I think Ellen DeGeneres is upset at me that I feel wronged by her and that she gets things that others deserve, too.  It's not nice to say, but I don't mean it in a wrong way..  I mean, maybe she does stand out, but she was under the radar as far as fame goes and got a big following.  Funny not many people like that out there famous.  What's it worth if there's no safety net?  Lotta kids don't wanna be famous for similar reasons.  I dunno, it's too bad.  I came to question it.  Maybe, it's about work.  I feel I just get called "Viet" (or probably actually said differently) too much and looked down upon for some reason by desperate white boys etc.  So, I'm not "some weird Asian bad talking Ellen."  I just mean that she is upset and that she is in an interesting situation I may discuss on my blog when I get it together.  I feel she is pursuing me for that.  I'm not complaining tho on what she gets as far as her getting it.  It may not be the best she could but oh well then.  I said it was weird.

Even if it's okay, it makes people feel uncomfortable.  You know, my grandma feels so uncomfortable that she's consistently harsh on me with something every time, even when my dad went alone to see her.

I mean, yea, no one has the right to dump me off as not white cuz they know I'm not perfect.  I don't mean to look out of place, but things should be set right.  I learned to ignore them and flip them off in my own way!  That's evil and selfish.  So, I cleared my throat, looked at people sternly as I could (something messed up my face at my mouth.)  I retaliated the feeling of being told you're not white.  What did I do then that should be the main reason I'm in trouble?  I need to know so I can fix it.  Maybe, it's just the shape of events to some, trying to look cool.  I'm very sorry under the experiment, too.  I don't really approve of being punished, but still it's not good what I did.  I just felt so attacked.  I didn't realize until writing this that my mom pushing me not to be as white probably set me off, as it happened just as we arrived.  I can almost see it now.

Also, people are wary they have to keep saying I'll ^lose my eyesight^ for not calling my majestic grandma cuz she seemed upset with me and I forgot, always being mad on here.

It seems there's more to learn from this.  I guess it was wrong in Point A to just lose it and do something I shouldn't.  I wasn't in place to run away.  I dunno why it mattered so much to prove to those people I'm white, too.  I can go home and complain later.  I dunno about that.  I didn't grow up on the computer.  I felt racism just sitting there reading the stuff.  No one needs to care and so don't.

This is bound to come up again.  I am worried I am being surprised on purpose.  I know with a clean room things should improve.  I'm getting organizational furniture.

I hope people I know are okay and stuff..  What about my relatives like my grandma feeling uncomfortable cuz they are related to me and people can tell something's not right?

I feel in it to lose.  Where's the reward?  When will the pressure end?  Is the reward my furniture?  It's too late.  Better late than never.

I might take psychology online, 1 course at a time.  I wanna experiment on art with people and animals etc.  I know music and art.  I meanwhile try to make it as a singer, and colleges have opera and musical theater and the like and that's not what I'm after.  I do like traditional music.

This is so sad for anyone involved in me.

It's about trying now and I can't identify something specific other than that maybe I'm just doing what other people do.  It's just then try again.  No one cares if I lose.  I don't get to prepare.  Something's weird.  I've been pretty nice, tho.  I feel hurt when insulted about the more recent past.  I get in trouble for my thoughts and things, too.  Maybe, I can try to improve as usual.  I just feel in it to lose out more than others.  In the end, where will I be?  Is there some superstition that you have to be bad to me to test me out?  It might be my parents caring about racism and not telling me anything.  That got me in trouble little, I think, and they are bringing up age 2 now.

Am I going in circles, yet?  Well, sorry I have these problems.  I can try to be good, but things like my thoughts get manipulated and I get agitated about that.  I think people put the bad thoughts there cuz I didn't mean them.  They just came to light.

I know not to look at people like that etc.  It's just like that they looked at me inappropriately and I don't mean to be vicious.  That's a spur of the moment.  I did learn to avoid it and just let them wallow in it.

Okay, so hope this will turn out well, I find some way to prepare, and that my morals don't all get eaten into oblivion.

Thanks for your understanding and so sorry this stuff happens/happened.

Oh, punishment.  I need to learn to like things that are important, like technology in the past 20 years.  I need to see other people get attention they deserve and need.  I can learn something rather than coming out of a box.  What else..  Maybe, things will be taken and I won't be happy to let other things in.  Maybe, some of what may be asked of makes no sense, and maybe some of it can.  I feel some people think everything is punishable with like wiping everything out.  No, no, no.  Go ahead, make movies that show ideal manners cuz I don't see'em.  People don't know others have certain problems they don't because of luck or something.

I just remembered, I felt hurt and almost cried or sorta did like at one peak instance, the way my mom drove like I was too close to someone.  It seemed inappropriate to bring up.  I didn't like things like that in general I think.  Not sure what else became of that other than my wanting it to stop.  It was undignifying.  I could, like with other things, see reasons, but it just didn't sink in.  Too bad.

Not sure what to mention all, but my apologies..

I should maybe stop and go to bed soon.

So, .. hope things are going good for others.  Hope I can be appropriate to others's desires.  I may not be perfect, and it's horrifying when anything happens like this.  I just hope it can stop.

Oh, I must accept if I am socially inept for some as punishment.  I need to work on my life and hopefully my life will be a success as an individual.  Concerning others, that's partially luck.  They are called company and mates.  xp  At this point, I'm getting tired.  Gotta wish the IMDb Soapbox a happy new year.

Problem

As I was out, cars kept nagging at me.  I didn't curse at them, but curse words came to mind.  I tried to ward it off in the end cuz maybe it matters.  It was confusing.  I felt them in my body all attacking me with curse words at the end I believe they flipped onto me.  I certainly did not want to curse.

Maybe, my mind is tired.

I also feel more trapped in this life.

Everyone is just hating on me frantically searching for their own comfort.

So, sorry, if anyone feels bad about what ended up happening sorta.

I feel that people I know have a grudge on me.  They just wait and come and land in my life and mess it up and tell me I'm no good!  They have to apply stress on me, and I can't seem to deal with it.  I'm tired of this.

So, yea, things have been pretty good.  Just, why did this happen, then?  I think they want the end to be unhappy for me.  This needs to end.  It's not good for anyone in the world.

People are crazy mad at me.  So many.  Then, I see my mom and dad and still it's depressing.  I have no escape.  People want things from me.  I hope I can learn not to succumb.

I need to eat now and am so thirsty!

Problem

I wasn't trying to nag at anyone when I asked my mom about why she suddenly set us up to go bowling with a family with a strange feeling about it.  I wasn't trying to say I disliked them or anything.

She just seemed fixated on getting at me.  I accidentally made a noise that sounded like the word "s***."  I inquired what was wrong because I knew her annoying noises were getting to me at the core, feeling like they're injuring me emotionally.  I just kept asking and some accusing.  Now, they have something on me and people are fixated on this with me.  You know, they're always doing that like "that's life."  They think I'm bad and need a good day.  It's a joke cuz they are the ones with that problem, tho I am unsure of why.

So, sorry, if I bothered anyone.  I didn't intend to.  I will try to avoid these conversations.

I also need to look out.  People do things mean to me and it's new and I don't know what to do, but I think to myself or speak but not like to hurt anyone.  Any help?  You know, no one else has this problem.  I want to find out what's wrong.

People agree my mom and dad are bad, tho, and I'm good and just hurt.  It's serious.  If I think of a curse word, people are mean to me.  It hurts a lot, in a way.  Any little thing.  I'm generally a good person, tho.  They shouldn't be being mean to me themselves and getting away with it.

What do you think of my mom prodding me to get mad and me being stuck with that happening to me?  It's how she acts and the messages she sends.

I'm trying to just be good as usual in my life.  I feel writing this a sense that it will cause some worry about what's to happen, like it was better before me saying this for some reason.  You know, the only reason they are upset is because I kept talking and feeling bad.  Also, my relatives do/did this to their kids, which makes me ashamed.  It's not like I need this.  I mean like keep nagging at their kids's antics like they're bad.  They just wanna have a good time, maybe.  I know they need to be refined.  They still are more popular, tho.

Well, I'm gonna go back out for a jog, see how much I can push myself.

Also, because I was upset about the family, saying it was a trap to have me talk to them and not other people because of the nature of the approach .. tho I would be happy to see them.. I started to look like an older man with a big stomach, tho I am mostly losing weight.  Look, I dunno what this is.  I wasn't even picking at that.  I guess I need to really avoid situations I don't need.

My mom keeps agitating me like other people.  I dunno what to do.  I'm going somewhere with her today.  She digs under my skin and blames it on being too close.  A lot of people know about that.  However, I didn't do anything wrong to begin with.  I try to ignore her, but if I feel upset she gets more mean.  It seems like I could find a solution.  Maybe, I'm socially inept.  I can just ignore her.  I know when I'm unwanted.  You know, she keeps acting like I'm not good enough, too.  I do things with her, tho.  I think how she treats me shows she's not being that great.  No one is against her and her desires in some ways, I'm not.  I know I can't live freely.  I am being hurt and people blame me for anything strange or if I feel upset.

Like I said before, I'm just waiting for something to happen so I don't get what I deserve in life emotionally, etc.  The people experimenting on me manipulate my life, what goes in and what goes out.  Unnatural.  Dysfunctional, too.  Look, what's wrong?  Still got a grudge on the past?  Something I did you didn't like you didn't talk to me about, just waiting to get at me being the reason? so I can't fix it? and you can still get mad.

The people experimenting on me want me to chuck it for this one.  They only know of results.  They say if I'm so upset why should I still get anything in life that no one else does?  Have you ever heard of being attacked?  Why is my life so chaotic and disorderly?  They think if I can't do one little thing right why me get anything?  That's not what happened.  You can't play this to fix jealousy.  This didn't happen before.  It's unnatural what is done.  There are real solutions.  They aren't all weird and agitated.  You just have to stop shooting/firing at me like that.  It's hard to think about what the solution is, but you know there's things that might make everyone happy.  You all just meet people to forget about them, too.  Something about that doesn't seem right.

So, what to do about my mom?  And my dad, how did he get in such a new, good mood now?  I need to be more sound.  This'll be like an experiment.  It's true, I set up my life for success, and I get bugged.  I can't relax and be happy like before when I was a teenager.

Help!  I don't know what to do.

Also, a suggestion is to sever relationships.  That's sad.  It is hard to deal with that potential with everyone being so agitated and me not being able to settle.  I did notice kids in some ways/situations can more easily sever, maybe cuz they aren't as developed.

So, supposedly, this talking with my mom was so bad and something to overthink.  I can't live with this stress.  You can't do things to me that ruin what's important in life and it be okay.  People are mean to me, and I feel like I'm being watched and submitted.  There's something I need to deal with I can't seem to.

Well, sorry, I am so annoying or rude.  I'll try again.  Family is important.  It needs to be smooth and not disagreements on important things.

If you think about it, too, before this experiment I wasn't upset like this.  I remember I was annoying but unsure what that was.  I wasn't trying to lead a bad life.

One thing that's hard is when my mom or dad etc. relays something like I can't have something I do that I either got or earned.  Partly or actually they aren't being realistic maybe, and it's awkward.  I just think, "No, stop," or something and then that's when they keep going, that I felt upset.

So, I have not solved my problem and am not really sure how the day will go.  It's hard to feel humble when this comes up cuz it's so silly/nonsensical.

They keep bringing up my oldest aunt, too, like she's the one who says I can't have anything if something funny/weird happens.  True, sometimes, there are kinks and maybe even bad situations, but I try to just be good.  I get angered and I try to deal with it.  It does feel a bit weird not being allowed to be mad, like others do and still are them and go on with life like that.

My grandma is a bit upset with me, too, and people claim she does some big things against me to feel safe.

Why do people need to be mean to me to feel safe?

What should I do now?  Just focus on this?  My attitude?  Others will bring up other things, tho.  He he, we shall see about this.  Maybe, they want to set me up to lose ultimately.  I know they do in their subconscious.  They have to have something.  I do accredit that they are too nice sometimes in some ways, too, some people, but generally like I see normal people making it, being good to be around and just normal and not all weird to me, like I'm an enigma.

I'm off!