Problems

I went out today.  I dunno..what started it?

My mom left the car while I was on the phone.  She came back in a change of spirit, already at a testy spot.

So, she suggested something supposedly Ellen DeGeneres suggested, that my life be turned inside out of what I liked, like some joke, and applying it to my mom's Indonesian family.  I said some things that were unprepared cuz I can't think cuza her.  It's like Dory in Finding Nemo, but I found a point at the end.

She got me in a bad mood.  I said why did you ask me that?  That's not appropriate.  You'd know the answer.  Something along that line.

So, I was upset cuz it was so inappropriate.  Then, she actually, which was not very much noted, using force on me so I can't feel comfortable being white around her anymore.  I ran into people.  I just wanted to be considered white, but they all were being mean acting like I was the N word..

All I did was clear my throat when I saw.. 2 ladies shake their heads no at me like right away.

What was your problem?  Some people looked at me meanly like I wasn't white so I looked at them and they didn't care.  Of course, my expression was sour to that!

Even some kids, tho.

What else?

I interjected people messing around that seemed to bother my mom and thought I helped her.

I'm really sorry about this, but I was set up and kinda did it in pieces.

Oh yes, people looked at me like I wasn't white and it was so funny so I acted like I said they weren't just in retaliation to prove a point, which was obvious.

It felt funny people started being nice to me when I cooled off.

What's wrong with this picture?  It seems like I need to seek help, but I already have a therapist and she denies these claims.

Can anyone help me for what might be around the corner to trick me and make me look worse than it is?  And what was the part that was wrong I did?  It's a free country.  I didn't do anything illegal, neither.  I know, you think it'd escalate.  I wish I didn't do it, tho.  I didn't know how to defend myself and protect my well-being.  What should happen to me if no one ever offers advice?  That's like not teaching a toddler to read.  I'm not afraid, but I didn't know what to do.  Some of it felt like I lost it.  I never attacked anyone, I think/hope, just defended myself and my right to say I'm white and tell others what's what in how I live.  You know, I said it was a lotta pressure to be good.  My mom asked me something weird on the way, too, and was in on this before.  I told her what I meant and stuff.

You know, my dad was sending me messages about my possible future kids and not caring about them because of this.  It seemed like a hidden message, but he was brought to doing that.  I seem to be in question.

This is terrible!  I was pushed to do this when I said I was under pressure and wanted to let be and maybe unwind.  This stuff didn't happen before in public.  In the home, I suffered homework too late.  They are trying to say tough and take from things.  Life goes on.

I have no clue what could come up.  I think Ellen DeGeneres is upset at me that I feel wronged by her and that she gets things that others deserve, too.  It's not nice to say, but I don't mean it in a wrong way..  I mean, maybe she does stand out, but she was under the radar as far as fame goes and got a big following.  Funny not many people like that out there famous.  What's it worth if there's no safety net?  Lotta kids don't wanna be famous for similar reasons.  I dunno, it's too bad.  I came to question it.  Maybe, it's about work.  I feel I just get called "Viet" (or probably actually said differently) too much and looked down upon for some reason by desperate white boys etc.  So, I'm not "some weird Asian bad talking Ellen."  I just mean that she is upset and that she is in an interesting situation I may discuss on my blog when I get it together.  I feel she is pursuing me for that.  I'm not complaining tho on what she gets as far as her getting it.  It may not be the best she could but oh well then.  I said it was weird.

Even if it's okay, it makes people feel uncomfortable.  You know, my grandma feels so uncomfortable that she's consistently harsh on me with something every time, even when my dad went alone to see her.

I mean, yea, no one has the right to dump me off as not white cuz they know I'm not perfect.  I don't mean to look out of place, but things should be set right.  I learned to ignore them and flip them off in my own way!  That's evil and selfish.  So, I cleared my throat, looked at people sternly as I could (something messed up my face at my mouth.)  I retaliated the feeling of being told you're not white.  What did I do then that should be the main reason I'm in trouble?  I need to know so I can fix it.  Maybe, it's just the shape of events to some, trying to look cool.  I'm very sorry under the experiment, too.  I don't really approve of being punished, but still it's not good what I did.  I just felt so attacked.  I didn't realize until writing this that my mom pushing me not to be as white probably set me off, as it happened just as we arrived.  I can almost see it now.

Also, people are wary they have to keep saying I'll ^lose my eyesight^ for not calling my majestic grandma cuz she seemed upset with me and I forgot, always being mad on here.

It seems there's more to learn from this.  I guess it was wrong in Point A to just lose it and do something I shouldn't.  I wasn't in place to run away.  I dunno why it mattered so much to prove to those people I'm white, too.  I can go home and complain later.  I dunno about that.  I didn't grow up on the computer.  I felt racism just sitting there reading the stuff.  No one needs to care and so don't.

This is bound to come up again.  I am worried I am being surprised on purpose.  I know with a clean room things should improve.  I'm getting organizational furniture.

I hope people I know are okay and stuff..  What about my relatives like my grandma feeling uncomfortable cuz they are related to me and people can tell something's not right?

I feel in it to lose.  Where's the reward?  When will the pressure end?  Is the reward my furniture?  It's too late.  Better late than never.

I might take psychology online, 1 course at a time.  I wanna experiment on art with people and animals etc.  I know music and art.  I meanwhile try to make it as a singer, and colleges have opera and musical theater and the like and that's not what I'm after.  I do like traditional music.

This is so sad for anyone involved in me.

It's about trying now and I can't identify something specific other than that maybe I'm just doing what other people do.  It's just then try again.  No one cares if I lose.  I don't get to prepare.  Something's weird.  I've been pretty nice, tho.  I feel hurt when insulted about the more recent past.  I get in trouble for my thoughts and things, too.  Maybe, I can try to improve as usual.  I just feel in it to lose out more than others.  In the end, where will I be?  Is there some superstition that you have to be bad to me to test me out?  It might be my parents caring about racism and not telling me anything.  That got me in trouble little, I think, and they are bringing up age 2 now.

Am I going in circles, yet?  Well, sorry I have these problems.  I can try to be good, but things like my thoughts get manipulated and I get agitated about that.  I think people put the bad thoughts there cuz I didn't mean them.  They just came to light.

I know not to look at people like that etc.  It's just like that they looked at me inappropriately and I don't mean to be vicious.  That's a spur of the moment.  I did learn to avoid it and just let them wallow in it.

Okay, so hope this will turn out well, I find some way to prepare, and that my morals don't all get eaten into oblivion.

Thanks for your understanding and so sorry this stuff happens/happened.

Oh, punishment.  I need to learn to like things that are important, like technology in the past 20 years.  I need to see other people get attention they deserve and need.  I can learn something rather than coming out of a box.  What else..  Maybe, things will be taken and I won't be happy to let other things in.  Maybe, some of what may be asked of makes no sense, and maybe some of it can.  I feel some people think everything is punishable with like wiping everything out.  No, no, no.  Go ahead, make movies that show ideal manners cuz I don't see'em.  People don't know others have certain problems they don't because of luck or something.

I just remembered, I felt hurt and almost cried or sorta did like at one peak instance, the way my mom drove like I was too close to someone.  It seemed inappropriate to bring up.  I didn't like things like that in general I think.  Not sure what else became of that other than my wanting it to stop.  It was undignifying.  I could, like with other things, see reasons, but it just didn't sink in.  Too bad.

Not sure what to mention all, but my apologies..

I should maybe stop and go to bed soon.

So, .. hope things are going good for others.  Hope I can be appropriate to others's desires.  I may not be perfect, and it's horrifying when anything happens like this.  I just hope it can stop.

Oh, I must accept if I am socially inept for some as punishment.  I need to work on my life and hopefully my life will be a success as an individual.  Concerning others, that's partially luck.  They are called company and mates.  xp  At this point, I'm getting tired.  Gotta wish the IMDb Soapbox a happy new year.

Problem

As I was out, cars kept nagging at me.  I didn't curse at them, but curse words came to mind.  I tried to ward it off in the end cuz maybe it matters.  It was confusing.  I felt them in my body all attacking me with curse words at the end I believe they flipped onto me.  I certainly did not want to curse.

Maybe, my mind is tired.

I also feel more trapped in this life.

Everyone is just hating on me frantically searching for their own comfort.

So, sorry, if anyone feels bad about what ended up happening sorta.

I feel that people I know have a grudge on me.  They just wait and come and land in my life and mess it up and tell me I'm no good!  They have to apply stress on me, and I can't seem to deal with it.  I'm tired of this.

So, yea, things have been pretty good.  Just, why did this happen, then?  I think they want the end to be unhappy for me.  This needs to end.  It's not good for anyone in the world.

People are crazy mad at me.  So many.  Then, I see my mom and dad and still it's depressing.  I have no escape.  People want things from me.  I hope I can learn not to succumb.

I need to eat now and am so thirsty!

Problem

I wasn't trying to nag at anyone when I asked my mom about why she suddenly set us up to go bowling with a family with a strange feeling about it.  I wasn't trying to say I disliked them or anything.

She just seemed fixated on getting at me.  I accidentally made a noise that sounded like the word "s***."  I inquired what was wrong because I knew her annoying noises were getting to me at the core, feeling like they're injuring me emotionally.  I just kept asking and some accusing.  Now, they have something on me and people are fixated on this with me.  You know, they're always doing that like "that's life."  They think I'm bad and need a good day.  It's a joke cuz they are the ones with that problem, tho I am unsure of why.

So, sorry, if I bothered anyone.  I didn't intend to.  I will try to avoid these conversations.

I also need to look out.  People do things mean to me and it's new and I don't know what to do, but I think to myself or speak but not like to hurt anyone.  Any help?  You know, no one else has this problem.  I want to find out what's wrong.

People agree my mom and dad are bad, tho, and I'm good and just hurt.  It's serious.  If I think of a curse word, people are mean to me.  It hurts a lot, in a way.  Any little thing.  I'm generally a good person, tho.  They shouldn't be being mean to me themselves and getting away with it.

What do you think of my mom prodding me to get mad and me being stuck with that happening to me?  It's how she acts and the messages she sends.

I'm trying to just be good as usual in my life.  I feel writing this a sense that it will cause some worry about what's to happen, like it was better before me saying this for some reason.  You know, the only reason they are upset is because I kept talking and feeling bad.  Also, my relatives do/did this to their kids, which makes me ashamed.  It's not like I need this.  I mean like keep nagging at their kids's antics like they're bad.  They just wanna have a good time, maybe.  I know they need to be refined.  They still are more popular, tho.

Well, I'm gonna go back out for a jog, see how much I can push myself.

Also, because I was upset about the family, saying it was a trap to have me talk to them and not other people because of the nature of the approach .. tho I would be happy to see them.. I started to look like an older man with a big stomach, tho I am mostly losing weight.  Look, I dunno what this is.  I wasn't even picking at that.  I guess I need to really avoid situations I don't need.

My mom keeps agitating me like other people.  I dunno what to do.  I'm going somewhere with her today.  She digs under my skin and blames it on being too close.  A lot of people know about that.  However, I didn't do anything wrong to begin with.  I try to ignore her, but if I feel upset she gets more mean.  It seems like I could find a solution.  Maybe, I'm socially inept.  I can just ignore her.  I know when I'm unwanted.  You know, she keeps acting like I'm not good enough, too.  I do things with her, tho.  I think how she treats me shows she's not being that great.  No one is against her and her desires in some ways, I'm not.  I know I can't live freely.  I am being hurt and people blame me for anything strange or if I feel upset.

Like I said before, I'm just waiting for something to happen so I don't get what I deserve in life emotionally, etc.  The people experimenting on me manipulate my life, what goes in and what goes out.  Unnatural.  Dysfunctional, too.  Look, what's wrong?  Still got a grudge on the past?  Something I did you didn't like you didn't talk to me about, just waiting to get at me being the reason? so I can't fix it? and you can still get mad.

The people experimenting on me want me to chuck it for this one.  They only know of results.  They say if I'm so upset why should I still get anything in life that no one else does?  Have you ever heard of being attacked?  Why is my life so chaotic and disorderly?  They think if I can't do one little thing right why me get anything?  That's not what happened.  You can't play this to fix jealousy.  This didn't happen before.  It's unnatural what is done.  There are real solutions.  They aren't all weird and agitated.  You just have to stop shooting/firing at me like that.  It's hard to think about what the solution is, but you know there's things that might make everyone happy.  You all just meet people to forget about them, too.  Something about that doesn't seem right.

So, what to do about my mom?  And my dad, how did he get in such a new, good mood now?  I need to be more sound.  This'll be like an experiment.  It's true, I set up my life for success, and I get bugged.  I can't relax and be happy like before when I was a teenager.

Help!  I don't know what to do.

Also, a suggestion is to sever relationships.  That's sad.  It is hard to deal with that potential with everyone being so agitated and me not being able to settle.  I did notice kids in some ways/situations can more easily sever, maybe cuz they aren't as developed.

So, supposedly, this talking with my mom was so bad and something to overthink.  I can't live with this stress.  You can't do things to me that ruin what's important in life and it be okay.  People are mean to me, and I feel like I'm being watched and submitted.  There's something I need to deal with I can't seem to.

Well, sorry, I am so annoying or rude.  I'll try again.  Family is important.  It needs to be smooth and not disagreements on important things.

If you think about it, too, before this experiment I wasn't upset like this.  I remember I was annoying but unsure what that was.  I wasn't trying to lead a bad life.

One thing that's hard is when my mom or dad etc. relays something like I can't have something I do that I either got or earned.  Partly or actually they aren't being realistic maybe, and it's awkward.  I just think, "No, stop," or something and then that's when they keep going, that I felt upset.

So, I have not solved my problem and am not really sure how the day will go.  It's hard to feel humble when this comes up cuz it's so silly/nonsensical.

They keep bringing up my oldest aunt, too, like she's the one who says I can't have anything if something funny/weird happens.  True, sometimes, there are kinks and maybe even bad situations, but I try to just be good.  I get angered and I try to deal with it.  It does feel a bit weird not being allowed to be mad, like others do and still are them and go on with life like that.

My grandma is a bit upset with me, too, and people claim she does some big things against me to feel safe.

Why do people need to be mean to me to feel safe?

What should I do now?  Just focus on this?  My attitude?  Others will bring up other things, tho.  He he, we shall see about this.  Maybe, they want to set me up to lose ultimately.  I know they do in their subconscious.  They have to have something.  I do accredit that they are too nice sometimes in some ways, too, some people, but generally like I see normal people making it, being good to be around and just normal and not all weird to me, like I'm an enigma.

I'm off!

OK

I'm gonna go out for a jog/walk.

Problem

My family are always onto me like I'm someone else.  I never wanted anyone to be onto anyone.

What I Learned

You know, it's not okay to take the home lightly, manners and attitude.

What's so abnormal about me telling someone not to mess with me?  I can't leave the room every day because of it.

Threat

They are threatening a relationship because of this.

They are going on about it, now..

Threats

My mom channeled my oldest aunt and acted like I won't get something special with someone in the end now.

Problem

My mom got upset when I accidentally made a noise that sounded like the word "s***" because there was so much pressure.  I am worried cuz she's sick.  I don't wanna bother her, but she keeps acting threatening.  After being upset, she said we're meeting a family for bowling in awhile.  I think they are setting me up.  Maybe, I went too far asking her, but I hate resorting to this blog to think it solves my problems all the time.

So, yes, I'm sorry if she was bothered, but I finally left.  We're going out tomorrow and I don't want it to be a bad experience for her and for it to be genuine.

She was so mad it seemed cuz I asked about like how her eating making noises with her spoon bothered me, etc.  She won't stop.  I know she's doing it on purpose and acts like that's normal but tells me to get out of the house again.

Not Taking Freaked Out Messages

People keep flipping me off and blaming me for feeling upset about messages with double meanings.  My dad is doing it "with pleasure."

In the end, it's gotta make sense and I'm gonna be right.

Problem

They are stressing me out.  I guess they want to be involved ironing out kinks.

Problem

I thought my dad was gone, but I still heard him in the house.  He thinks he has something with me.  I'm wary of him thinking about moving or not.  If so, as an adult, I will stay here.  We are pretty stationed to stay here.

So, I dunno what's the big deal with some things.

What did I do wrong?  Just my general show or the summation and answer of my general attitude?  All I did was feel I wanted him to stop sitting there hurting me and like blabbing about what he wants to claim something someone I like is cool with that's not good.  Now, my eyes feel like they ended up furrowing and popping out and are not as expressive now.  I can improve.  I guess I have to learn to tolerate this torture.

Also, I'm worried they will use my happiness as a bargain, to take advantage of me like they have making me do things to, like, serve them, to keep a relationship in the experiment.

You know, I didn't really make a crazy deal over this and lose it, finding someone I like that I'm not as close to and could very sadly lose in some like 1% possibility it seems.  Everyone else seems to have somehow made it too big a deal, and that's not a good thing.  I feel so agitated from it.  I wanted to settle things and feel what's what.  I just couldn't do it.  Not yet.

Things aren't going good in a way, since tho I am onto being good I get told it's not about the little details we think up but an overall picture of others's opinion of right and wrong.

Now, I just kinda freak out if people look at me with a strange questioning expression and message.

Problem

They keep testing me to do or not do things, like "don't even think about it."  I cannot listen to random disorder.

Well..

..Better be off to bed, didn't accomplish much here.  Yea, sorry, but I was just speaking plainly, not with the sarcastic at every meaning thing.  Maybe, it was unnecessary.

I am upset that people are poking at me and bringing up the past again all of a sudden.

Problem

They are getting meaner.

Problem

This is all your "punishments."  You're just upset I hadn't called my grandma.  I had a good day until this.

Problem

They are acting like they are going thru the motions, but I sense "punishment."

Problem

I shouldn't lose anything.

Problem

They keep bothering me.

Problem

They keep acting like someone I like is being mean to me.  They are relaying messages.

Problem

I said someone else resembled someone and thinks she's so sacred I have to suffer something because they think they know what I mean.  Supposedly, someone I like did it.

Problem

They are talking about if someone looks at my face and making my face work like theirs and I don't want it.

Issue

They think that they will come up with bad things by accident, but I have also seen myself punished for no reason, nonetheless.

Problem

I don't know why they have these issues with my life.  It seems selfish and not worth it.

Problem

They acted like me feeling for my face all of a sudden was another person.

Issue

They left messages for me all over the IMDb Soapbox, manipulating or something.

They are putting a memory there for possible future kids I have.

Problem

They're acting all close like they're punishing me.

Problems

My parents are acting like it's some big project following me around supposedly trying to arouse me behind it all.

They can't act like that, having a grudge for no reason.

Problem

They keep taking something from me.  What?  Why are we all hyperactive?

Also..

..I was upset coming home at the onslaught.  I know they just care in a way.

I hope my dad is okay.

Gotta Go

Wrote my grandma a note and gonna call maybe on a walk..

What should I do about..

..what I wrote?  Change any of it?  I said sorry.  I didn't mean anything bad.

So..

Why do people act like I need to be pretended I'm bad so I can feel hurt and disciplined all the time?

You know, this stress could hurt someone.

Whatever Happens Happens

Things like this are bad news to me.  I like a clean record, but I don't have one with my dad.  If something bad happens, I don't want it to be my fault nor my doing in.

How to Fix It and Make Things Better

I dunno, no matter what I did he still did it.  All of a sudden, my grandma came up.  I was limping home holding my shoes almost had a heart attack from all the coffee I tried.

Something I Noticed

My dad thinks it's funny like I'm punished.

More Problems

My eyes don't feel as well right now.

What should I have done?  Left my dad?  He was just sitting there acting like, you know, nonchalant and making weird noises.  It wasn't just me putting up with it.  It bothered me.  Things like this happened after I was told to leave colleges.  Sometimes, I thought the music had made me more sensitive.  I can't just leave the room and post here all the time.  This is gonna do me in.

Apology

Sorry if I seemed upset that bothered anyone.

Problems

I was out walking for 6 1/2 hours after the psychiatrist and eating out with my mom and had a great time.

I came home, and everyone beat at me for not calling my grandma.  My dad acted like he wasn't.

They are pretending it's okay someone I like went all out and goofed and is acting like a perv.  My dad put on someone playing guitar without being able to see, like some joke.  On the way home, I heard I would lose my eyesight.  It's a funkitated joke.

It is bothering me how they keep jumping at me in the experiment so I get startled like I'm bad.  They wait for a certain time apparently.  They need to stop whatever they did that was bad.

I was sitting with my dad.  He was talking.  I was trying to have a good time, but he kept being insulting and keeps thinking of me as being not white like he always has when he hasn't.  It's in an inappropriate way.  I just wanted him to stop being so annoying.  I told him he was bothering me and asked if anything was wrong.  He just keeps on like it's okay to drop the other shoe like I did it.  I want him to stop!  I don't owe him anything that he can be upset like this.

About my grandma, she demanded I called her and she had just been upset so I was afraid and hesitant.  I'm always on here about my problems and forgot.  I need a noteboard.  My dad said not to nail things, at 1st, so I haven't.

So, yea, my dad kept acting like I was bad because I didn't like the super annoying things he was doing to punish me.  I couldn't get anything out of him.  I did ask questions about it kinda as I could, but he acted like it didn't happen.

Problem

What?  I'm just talking about the problem, too.

Bothering

They just keep messing with me and saying things against me all day!

What is this?

The Ellen DeGeneres Show?  Where we analyze all sides of a tiny object of things that don't matter?  (Disclaimer: I don't mean it's like The Ellen DeGeneres Show in that it doesn't matter.)

Threat

They think it's their duty to do in in some way someone who will be attacked anyway for being good with something.

It's because my life has not been perfect.  Some people upset me and still wonder why I feel bad.

The world does not have to do this.  I never said they could meddle with my life even positively.  It's when it would result in this.  It would have been fine if not for this negative energy etc.

Not Sure What Happened to Me

I guess I'm some insane from all the pressure.

I hate how people make a big deal of when I'm upset when I'm beat down.  No one cares if I'm beat down, but some do.  I guess this is dangerous, but you shouldn't channel negative energy to me.  I didn't really attack anyone and don't do things like that.  Sometimes, I feel affected by others.  I dunno.  I said I was under pressure and like would mess up, but they all leave it to me and get at me if I do something silly and say it's potential danger.  I'm aware of that.

I worry I'll get sick from this, like serious cancer.  It looks like the kind of thing.  I see I care about my life but I'm getting tortured.  They keep jumping at me every day like hot tamales.  I don't approve of it.  It's channeling wasteful, negative energy.  I need real exercise.  I wonder if I should try those dance classes.  I went out and walked or jogged 3 times today each for at least an hour.

Problem

There's this guy who wants to hunt down someone who thinks they can be nice to me and communicate.

YES

I can get over it, but this is wicked.  It's supposedly some other message.

Problem

Is this stuff serious?

Problem

My dad acted like he bubbled me off from feeling touched by someone I like and sealed it.  He said it's for "Bell" or Bella Thorne, tho.

Bullying/Witchery

My dad said something about things happening concerning if my teeth are a certain way, and it happened.

He said in a week it's about someone else rubbed in a way that's not nice.  I am not trying to sound inappropriate or anything!  That's what he relayed.

Problem

I don't want my life ruined just because someone is superstitious about people who talk about their problems.  I tried to be smart and not mean, etc.

Problem

They keep acting like I don't deserve anything like I used to early on in the experiment and before.  I see this is an ambush.

Problem

Why do some people think I can only talk to them and no one else when that's not the situation?  I don't see any loving parental figure and I'm 29.  This is illegal and babyish.

Look, what is your problem?!

You all are messed up and think you can talk to me like this.

Problem

My dad just got back from visiting my grandma.

He said someone can't touch me or else and that someone else is good to feel touched.

1st, he said something else and I refuse to listen, that if I think of something somewhere something else.

WHAT?

Are you mad at me?

Problem

They're getting violent dishing out threats.

And Another Thing

I want to scout out something.  What about people, other than Bella Thorne too, getting attention and the process not bombing and it going smoothly?  Things were always okay before and not so explosive.

1 problem is that I can't seem to stop feeling that it also destroys something when people maybe are a bit "sloppy" or something, when someone clicks and someone else has their head in the clouds or something.  Yes, I want to help them, but it may be hard because it's not like we can build people.  We just copy them.

See, you think I shouldn't have said this, but it was important and you're glad I did underneath it all.

Problem

They are ruining my existence.  I don't wanna say everything they say now cuz they won't stop.  They keep saying negative things about a relationship.  Why are you all so obsessed like there's something there to hack at?  They think if I look upset in real life that they can nag at me and do something bad to me.  Well, they have the negative attitude.  I am the one being attacked, and they think that's okay.  No point trying to convince them.

Problem

They keep sending me weird, irritating messages.

You know what I don't like that's a big deal..

..all this negative energy.

Problem

They keep saying a relationship ended.

Well, basically..

..they're onto me.

Pretty much, if I am pretty non-upset for a long time, it's better, but it's bound to happen sooner or later, some slip like being a nuisance to my parents for something.  So, pretty much they are just waiting for me to mess up under pressure to take away every relationship I have by telling these people via experimenting on me what not to do and them bothering me all the time at home.

This is the kind of thing I said didn't make sense outside of the experiment if that can be.. that when people match with my personality they have a problem with me getting attention from others cuz they are jealous.

They also have it set I can't have it good.  I am always insulted by them and worried.  They chose when the page saves and how the computer loads and the ads to send me insulting or hurtful messages.

This is pathetic.  I am a well-behaved person who people like outside of the experiment.  This experiment has brought on a lotta stress and weird situations.  I have a bad feeling about this.

Ever since the experiment became known to me, I felt like people were cursing me out in what they relayed. It wasn't the best times.

Sorry, if I'm bad in some way, but if I am bad I tend to regret it and not do it again, maybe.  I just don't think I am out to get anyone.  I get put in too many weird situations under pressure.  I know that is just the hatred.

Problem

My mom was being very mean making noises in the kitchen that were very loud and bothersome.  In the end, I talked to her about it and she just reacted like I was attacking her.  Like I said, I guess I should have just posted about it here.  She thinks I was bothering her to ask.  She put my life down the dumps, it seems she claims.  I keep getting negative messages from people supposedly from someone I like, as usual.  Do you know how pathetic this is?  I was just asking my mom cuz I knew it was wrong and later found it could make me mad.  She acted like I was the one hurting her.  Maybe, I asked several times and that was too much.  Supposedly, a certain aspect of a relationship is compensated.  I know no one else gets jeopardized like this.  They are racist and forewarned about me.  She just had to go and ruin it and thinks I deserve nothing to be safe.  That's thinking your bait is a fish.  I didn't ask her to be proud.  Now, something in my life is ruined.  My parents are messed up.  I think my dad started it.  They just rebound at me if ever I find reason to be upset with their anger/peevishness.

The people experimenting on me are messing with me that I deserve this.  My relationship is over.  They are saying I have to be the one to talk to someone else.  Come on, what is this?  You don't seem to know what someone else said to me, lying.  I can't trust this.  Come on, I need my relationship back.  What's going on?  You can just do whatever you want to anyone you want?

Gonna go for a walk.  So, gotta go.  Will post this and see what happens.

Too Much Pressure

Tell me I didn't think of a curse phrase and one will come to mind.

I always kept my venting enough to myself.  Why would I get punished if someone hurt me and everyone didn't care about what they did?  I just get upset and defensive, protective of myself and things good to be protective of, but not too vicious to other people.  I have not started any problems, overall.  No one's perfect.  No one else lives these silly experiment things that I know of that are so bad.  We could wonder why I would end up like this.  People vent upset.  I think they made a rule that I lose relationships if I ever do, tho, even to myself and not so much at others.

Also, the people watching me are creepy now.  They're trying to get me on their bad list, probably can't stand the apprehension and won't stop following a good person that I am.  Well, their oddities don't aid.  My life has turned into a game to see if I get mad, and that could spark little bits of anger, itself.

So, I dealt with my problem by asking my mom why she was making noises that bothered me so much and in the end told her that it might make me considerably more upset.  I feel like her slave for life cuz I gave away her age and photo online cuz I was confused moving here and she made it hard to think and sounded like she was joking.  I need to put this up with my other problems on my website.

I need to go to bed soon, so tired from the walk.  Prayers for my mom to feel better.  She's fine in her way, but I felt affected or tested in a weird way.

I dunno, I should have just come to post on my blog.  There was no convincing her otherwise, but I'm not supposed to need to do this.

Also, if anyone is jealous get your own blog and start trying to network.

Sorry if I scared anyone by feeling odd.  It was dumb of me.  I should have known to post this here.  I guess I need to consider my problems or ask for help.  I can't seem to get good help on these things people get upset at me for.  Better safe than sorry.  I should fix myself if I find it is possible.  Can't function otherwise.  People who want to do what I do should.  They probably are more collected.  I don't know how to get me better, tho.  Maybe, I have to accept the consequences in relationships and that I won't be forgiven or let back in as the same.  Hey, these ear plugs are nice.  The experiment noises don't have to happen or something.  Feels extra quiet.

Gotta sleep.  Really.

Prayers for those affected, like my mom not liking me asking that weird stuff.

Again, sorry to you and about abusing my life.  I need a good ice breaker.

Maybe, I can work this out when I wake up again.  I'll post my post and see if help finds its way to me.

Thanks! and sorry to others and myself! tho I don't think it was my fault or it was kinda a tough situation.

I keep on and on in this, huh, weird.

Problem

I don't know if they are trying to trash my Problems blog, but my mom just acted like she was all these people who really sent mean messages to me, telling me to be interested in things I am not, that I won't have a good relationship, etc.

The Straw That Breaks the Camel's Back

In my subconscious I have chucked it.

Worrying Messages

I keep feeling stressed all around my house worrying about where my parents's minds has been and what things they'll leave around to leave startling messages constantly maybe.

Life Goes On

It's hopeless.  They keep taking away my relationships.  What can I do?  They have a wrong view of what's right and wrong.  I cannot live thinking this way.  And I have to grow up cuz I'll just get older.

"Basic Problems" Page Update

They say things that threaten me that I wish I could say every time but can't cuz it's too much excess, like things I can or can't do or that will happen that they make up.

Disturbed

I'm disturbed about the nature of the existence that lives Dr. Phil.  People need to stop teasing me with him just cuz I followed him on TV and online for a month and know about what he does, has some very smart points.  Anyway, that kind of life is depressing.  The tragedies are invalid.  I wonder if this is affecting me to this day.  I think people took the opportunity to make me even more lonely after that.  No one cares.

Problem

What, is this supposed to be cute?  Me getting bombarded by people or things I don't want to be?  They said that person was really stupid now.

Problem

These people experimenting on me got me upset to and I kinda said to stop and got agitated etc.

Problems

My dad kept acting suggestive like I wasn't white and I was bad.  He drove in a suggestive way, like that's what he had to do or something, jerking around trying to arouse me.  I pressed my foot on something and he woke up.  I accidentally opened the faucet too much when I was mad.

He sent me the secret message that someone I like is "stupid" in a stimulating way that won't go away.

Too Much Pressure

I feel a lot of negative energy.  They are trying to "take away the last person I liked" if something awkward happens where they find me at fault.

I don't know how to deal with this.  I'm not perfect and have my moments.  It's not always that bad, tho.

In the end, for other reasons, I will lose all the meaning in / having relationships.

Update

New Page on Top - Basic Problems

So, what was it?

Why was Ellen DeGeneres mad at me, again?  If I ever say anything that mentions my cousin she doesn't like me or something?  I didn't do anything bad to my cousin.

Ellen DeGeneres especially favors, maybe "forgives," people she finds are attractive and not too stupid to not be.  I know that a lot of people struggle with weight.

Life in Limbo

It seems like I can't achieve in life without being stopped, unacknowledged socially by others, etc.

Just because I cursed about hurtful, illegal noises in my room that others think would be fine for them.  It's not illegal to curse.  I didn't do it in a sick way.  So what, I was able to stop.

What, I didn't mean to start anything.

My life, for instance the ability for me not to worry too hard about what I just said.

What they're doing now is reportable, ehe he he.

They're acting like I was so nasty with the words and think that what was done to me was justified by them.

Sufficiency

They are acting like someone is insufficient some but sufficient for others.

Conflicting Messages

I keep getting messages that Ellen DeGeneres helped decide what people do to be mean to me, like I don't care about it, anyway.  Then, she says that's not how it is.

Sneaking Around

I noticed my life is going further down the drain.  People are disrespecting me more.  They are sending me 2-sided messages.  People find that makes them smile.  I am like the hostage.

That is pretty sick and primitive.

"Losing Marbles?"

I think Ellen DeGeneres.. it's good she has a more mature adult life.  However, part of it was that it hurts her feelings if someone doesn't sever their relationship with me if they're popular.  There's a connection.  It's ultimately to destroy my livelihood.

Discovering Sensitivities

My dad didn't like how I closed their door to bed.  He was being harsh on me thinking that would help.  With closing the door, I know he's sensitive about it, then.

Just Sorry, I Guess

My teacher and others think this was an adventure with the kicking but not me.  I was out of control.  I think I fixed it myself, tho.

Stupid Question!

If I don't deserve anything as you say life is chance, why do others deserve to mess with my fate and have theirs spared a fight but me the opposite?

Problems

If you don't have anything nice to say to me, why say it?

They keep giving me remarks/asking questions that don't make sense, things that don't help to do.

Problem

My dad was acting really mean.

In 2013, I kicked the chairs of 2 boys in a community college theater class in a way that seemed to be "flirting" partly.

I did this cuz people kept getting to me and they knew it but acted like they didn't.  Also, it didn't hurt the boys.  No one in my life helped stop what a lotta people do to me.

People keep trying to make me feel bad about it now.

Other things you may want to know is I used to leave the class, for instance if I felt the teacher was bothering me and went to counseling.  My teacher said not to leave and do that.  Also, when I asked her about an assignment cuz I was in financial aid when she gave it, she ripped my paper with her pen and was being violent.  Once I got a wrong assignment asking a student, and that's when she bothered me, too.

How does that make me a mean, bad person?  I wasn't trying to onset an attack with anyone.  I said it was more like "flirting" and so didn't hurt.

Also, my dad was acting like the teacher told him to relay what he did, but I find out from real people they don't do these things, too.

People are trying to get back at me for the occasional once in a blue moon moments when I have a hard life and mean no harm.

People Upset

Ellen DeGeneres can do whatever she wants and it's fine with me, like concerning getting attention.

It just hurt me to get the message from my dad.  A day of no Ellen on Twitter?

What are people mad at me about?  I have a right to know.

I just was talking about my cousin but not in a bad way..  She is superstitious about my cousin and doesn't realize I'm not her moral slave sometimes.  I'm already nice to her.  They want me to be submissive to her.  I'm not out there to be submissive to anyone.

Also, they kept rubbing what they claim she thinks in.  I just wanted it to stop.  Well, if various arrangements have been made to make my life less exciting by them so be it.  No one wants to talk to me, anyway.

Issue

So, it's like someone's mad at me and sorta "messing around" saying someone is better than me or something's only for them cuz I said something and I'm out to them and I'm not sure exactly why.  People are "playing around" with me.  I think my dad made it so no one could be nice to me.  It's like the limbo for Bella Thorne, aha ha ha.

This is pressure on me and assuming I'm bad when I'm not.

I'm just saying.  I don't believe in reserving things like I would be otherwise.  So, if I do one little thing that someone later says they have an issue with it's out?  Is it like they have so many particularities they could not ever recite them all?

I don't really care what the crowd thinks because of me and never did.

I'm not even making as big a deal about this.  People think that what I do will affect it at all, too.  Weirdos.  I certainly do not believe it.

I think it's important everyone is happy.  The only reason people are happy about Bella Thorne getting what I earn is that they know I still get it and that it's possible they will, like her.

I think with me around, kids tend to hold off.  They want it now.  They can't seem to say what they want about me.

Adults want different things or the same things in different ways.

Ha ha, so I'm safe online and can highlight these points.  You wouldn't believe the liberties others take online.  These points are not to be taken in offense.  I feel people find me a nagging person cuz they don't wanna talk to a mixed race person who believes in themselves racially and as a person.

Maybe, others think they have the right to be mean to me.

Either way, it seems my purposes in life are slipping, which include to meet people and not to be embarrassed/humiliated.  Maybe, you think it can't matter.  Then, what's wrong with me saying all this?  It's not "bad."

I understand that it's a bit much and that crowds are hard to please for some/a lot of things.  They just think thye're all that.

I guess you can look at the way Bella Thorne is involved in some other way than me being in trouble.

What will anyone get out of being mean to someone like me?  Maybe, some people just seem mean/upset.  Fine, I understand if people do not want to give me attention, but I deserve to be as respected as anyone else.  Maybe, they think it's unfair I'm just lucky with good parents.

I guess you can ask yourself am I really that good?  I'm just a normal person suffering but no great achiever in life personally.  It's crazy.  People are in a trans like they have to be like the haters of Jesus and the Nazis under Hitler to me.  Some people are nice but have issues.

It is fun to give children attention if they can hold it.  It's usually uncomfortable.  Teenagers seem to have strong moods and act very self-centered by nature.

Not Playing

I guess what I didn't get was if I get something I good I don't deserve it it's only for Bella Thorne.

Claim

Supposedly, Ellen DeGeneres is mad at anyone who talks about something small like something big, like getting your driver's license because once I just posted about getting contacts for the 1st time.  She suggests others are being bad to be like me, seriously, I was told I think by Bella Thorne.  It sounds like a real thing Ellen DeGeneres would say but would disclaim in some way to stay out of trouble.

I just cursed about illegal, hurtful noises in my room she relayed she put there.  She thinks it doesn't matter and that even if not cursing about here is still bad.

Problems

It seems like if I find myself in a certain relationship, it's attempted to be said to be unworthy of me, like it would be taken away if possible.

I think I have been judged for something that bothered me about what could be and not sure what to make of it.  I guess I could say part of it is for the idea that others have needs and I am not a part of the solution.  It has already affected me.  It's as tho it's like a game with others, to see how much I can stay positive or submit, for no real reason but for reasons others find to make sense.  Even when it is said that it doesn't matter, it does.  I just kinda gave up and left it.

See, my dad is testy and thinks I need to be punished.  Other people think so, too.  I think I am being good and never meant to hurt anyone tho found some people cared about it and found it inappropriate and offensive.. so I stopped.

I'm not sure what to disclaim in my attempts at this post.  I'd like a better understanding that makes sense.  I have claimed I never meant anything bad and am trying to be better.  I thought I had a right to how I felt.  I find if it's this same reason it does not make sense.  It's like it's a game..  Sometimes, others are wrong but still do what they do that was wrong.  They are supported by others and no one cares.  People argue that you're supposed to hurt people cuz people are bad.  I really never followed to be mean to others to make things interesting or right.  What I didn't believe was letting people put me down.  I don't turn the other cheek.  I don't attack others, neither.  I only defended myself.  I've been trapped and tortured psychiatrically.  So, I went on on that.  I bet it was for others to stay safe and not be hurt for being nice to me.

Hurt

People think I deserve to be hurt psychiatrically.

Trying to Learn From Mistakes

People try to bug me.  If I can't seem to ignore it altogether, people get upset.  It cold take me a long time to figure out what I should do in such a weird and mean situation to me.

Problem

While trying to get by and being careful, if something seems off to others under too much pressure, it turns into a big thing.

"Rules?"

People keep saying if someone makes me think of something vicious that I really do bow down to others in submission, tho before this conversation it wasn't ever really so.

Also, I'm getting it's a joke I ask about things like bringing up Bella Thorne to me too much to act like I'm not good enough in comparison to others such as her.

Supposedly, it's a joke I ask if it's Ellen DeGeneres punishing and hurting me.  If I disagree, it's like she gets mad.  It seems weird she does this.  I used to curse about illegal, hurtful noises she supposedly put in my room.  That's why there's like an army of Ellen-ites against me.  People think it's a given you don't argue Ellen and you worship her.  Supposedly, it's that the noises weren't that bad or were okay.  I even wonder if she'd be mean to me, anyway.  She sometimes seems disgusted about me.  If I have ever gotten an idea to makeover my life, it seems people/she has a fetish that it was ever done and keep berating me for not doing it before.  In high school where she was from they were like that, too.

Stress Relief Toy

$16.99
link


Sometimes, I don't feel I'd need one.  I'm not sure if it's enough nor the right thing to deal with every problem.  I like posting here, too.  When I don't know what to post, it might be good to have.

I can also get a portable stress ball.  They sell them as key chains.  Better than clenching my bare hands.

What about when I make noises in the house?  How will I ignore others's trying to get at me?

I'm against this..

..I get a lotta pressure and attacks and if I think of a curse word or something by accident cuz I'm cornered and upset.. something annoying or harmful/threatening is done.

I also can't hit my sofa when I'm upset.  I might get that stress relief toy.

Concerning Posting About Problems

They are acting like if I post a problem here that it means I don't "get" or "know" or "have a relationship" with the last person I liked.  How will I healthily talk out any of my problems that way?  How will I "get it out?"  Do I have to buy a good stress toy?  How will this ever work?